Lets talk about the circle of life. After 24 years of carrying the burden of the nation’s expectations, Sachin Tendulkar is going to retire soon this November. At the same time, Sharad Pawar is back as the Chairman of the MCA and he is going to continue at that position for another 24 years. Sachin gone for 24 years, Pawar in for 24 years. The great ciiiircleee of life. It’s also the week that wasn’t.
People of India, I am going to tell you a secret which only you know. And do not tell anyone else. It is a secret. In early 2014 India is going to hold the world’s biggest democratic elections. Nearly 1000s of candidates from many minor and major parties will try to woo the millions of voters. But in India, elections are not that simple are they? The choices are vast. Not only vast, but also east, north, south, west (LOL Kidding). There are so many major parties and influence of caste, gender, income, economic classifications, geography, and I mean there is so much that comes into consideration. So lets look at some of the reasons that influence how people vote with some examples:
#1: Voting according to Income : Income Inequality has risen during the past few decades. Now this has resulted in a major voting difference between the rich (pointing at self) and the poor (pointing straight ahead of the computer/tablet/mobile screen) Haha. Lets go straight to a voter.
R: For you, does income play an important role when you vote?
V: Yes yes, income is important, money is important!
R: So how does money play a role in who you choose to vote for?
V: Whoever, ek second koi dekh toh nahi raha na, so I was saying whoever gives me more money I vote for them!
#2: Voting According to Age: On December 15, 1988, when the Constitution Amendment to lower the voting age in India to 18 years was introduced, it was unanimously passed and Rajiv Gandhi, the then PM, said that it is an indication of the full faith in the youth. But does the youth agree? Lets meet some of our younger voters.
Youth 1: Sab drama hai… mujhe toh pharak padta hi nahi hai… mujhe nahi karna ‘vote-shote’!
Youth 2: Yes sir? Yes, I am voting this year. I am voting for whoever my father tells me to vote for.
Joining us now is teen rapper and DJ, Yo Yo dangerous Lungi Sing.
YYDLS: YO YO YO YO, YOOO YOOO YOO, YO YO YO YO YO!
Reporter: Double yo, double yo, yellow? Ugh sorry, hello? Yo YO? Hello? Double Yo voting age is 18. So whats your view?
YYDLS: Oye, Yeh kab hua?
Reporter: Just some 25 years ago.
YYDLS: Oh, tab toh main born bhi nahi hua tha. I was not born, yo yo yo yo. I was not born…
Reporter: No, thats incorrect, your profile clearly says you were born in 1971. This makes you 42 years old.
YYDLS: Aye. Dont ‘taell’ this to anybody haan. Dont ‘taell’ this.
R : Ok, I will not. But are you voting?
YYDLS: Oh, ni yaar, bilkul ni. (Not at all)
R : And why?
YYDLS: Im youth icon, for public im still 16 years old. Yo Yo Yo, Yo Yo YO Yo, I’m 16, You are 16. Lets do some 16 thing yo!
R: He’s not even a female to celebrate 16 man. But anyways, anything is possible in Bollywood. Moving on,
#3: Voting according to ideology :
Voter: Democracy is the road to socialism.
R: Aah, you are quoting Karl Marx. Is socialism your ideology sir?
V: The oppressed class is allowed once in every 5 years to choose their leaders from the oppressive class who will oppress them.
R: Yes, thats my point! So you are quoting Marx. You look like a socialist or a marxist!
V: Why do you say so?
R: The shirt, the tie.
V: Oh, both the shirt and the tie are from Marks. Marks and Spencer.
R: You have a gun and will you shoot both me and the reader?
V: There is a sale if you want to buy one…
R: Please take this man out of here thank you.
#4: Informed Voter: So lets meet a famous cricket who is going to vote in 2014:
R : So sir, you are the famous cricketer?
R : And you are also an informed voter?
V : Yes, informed voting matters a lot. There is nothing more dangerous than a voter who is armed with a bat, but doesnt have a clue.
R: I agree completely. So, who are you planning to vote for? Whom are you planning to vote for?
V : I have done a scientific analysis of various statistical information related to the election. (Plays a cover drive).
R : Great great. So whom are you planning to vote for?
V: I have come to an informed decision. There is only one man.
R: And who is that one man?
V: N. Srinivasan. (Plays the Hook) Six.
R: Yes, there is only one man. In Maharashta, there is another man called Sharad Pawar. Soon there will be 2 men, but at the moment there is 1 man.
Ok, lets move to other election news. Will the Congress bring in Priyanka for 2014? Sources (People in the BJP) have said that the Congress is watching Modi and his impact closely and if his magic doesnt work, the Congress may be forced to unleash the Priyanka Karishma, Kareena. Haha, sorry sorry, nothing to do with the heroines. Priyanka charisma is what shes called. In fact, people say that if there is any solution to the Telangana issue, its there in the Congress right in their face. So how do we solve this issue? Get Priyanka Gandhi to barge into the Press Club, and call the Telangana Decision a complete NONSENSE and order it to be torn up and thrown away! However, sources in the Congress have said that the party wants to use Priyanka Gandhi as their last trump card for the 2014 elections and surprise the enemies by releasing her in 201.. are you sure about this… 2015.(HUH?) All through the mouths of Digvijaya Singh. For ages, the Congress has been dependent on the Nehru-Gandhi family so now lets look at the Congress down the ages and how they played the Game:
Indian General Election: 1951:
3 people : Pandit Ji lao desh bachao. Pandit ji lao desh bachao.
Indian General Election : 1967
3 people : Indira Lao, desh bachao. Indira lao, desh bachao.
Indian General Election: 1980:
3 people: India lao, desh bacchao, Indira lao desh bachao.
Indian general Election: 1984:
3 people: Rajiv lao, desh bachao. Rajiv lao, desh bachao.
Indian General Election: 2004:
3 people: Sonia lao desh bachao. Sonia lao desh bachao.
Indian General Election 2009:
3 people: Rahul lao desh bachao, Rahul lao velocity badao, Rahul lao pant lao.
Indian General Election 2014:
3 people: Priyanka lao, Congress bachao. Priyanka lao, Congress Bachao.
Digvijaya Singh: Bjp ka symbol hi loot-us hai!
3 people : Isko bhagao, aaram pao, isko bhagao, aaram pao.
India lodges a strong complaint against China over the issue of stapled visas. Now China, which gave us our staple Chinese food, has long had a dispute with India over the 4000 km long border and Arunachal Pradesh in particular. Hence, China refuses to give visas to Indians from what they call disputed territories but staples them instead.Now that obviously angered our Indian Prime Minister. India has lodged a strong complaint against China and has asked the Chinese to give the archers a visa and has offered in compensation : Malika Bazaar, Burma Bazaar and Hee-ra-pana. Joining us now is Chinese spokesperson, the name of whom I cant pronounce, I’ll just call him Sir.
R: Sir, how are you sir?
Chinese Spokesperson : Halllo halloo tveeng.
R: Not tweeng, my name is Cyrus.
CS: Yes yes, How youuu tweeng?
CS: Yes yes, cryus. I ask how you dwoinggg.
R: Ohhh, how am I doing? Sorry sorry, great great. So you areee?
R: I am not washing a car…
CS: Yesh yesh yesh, whaiyouwashingaca.
R: Im not washing a car!
CS: No no no, my name is Y U Wa Shing Ka (Shows proof of name).
R: Oh, Y U Wa Shing Ka?
CS: No no no, I not washing car. I Ya U Wa Shing Ka.
R: Auh right, so Mr. Shing Ka, about the Visas if we can talk?
CS: Aaaah, you shee, Arunachal Pradesh in Chinaaaaa….
R: No No,
CS: Yesh yesh yesh, Seen you China Map? Arunachal Pradesh Chinaa. Meghalaya Chinaaa. Jharkhand Chinaaa.
R: WHole of Jharkhand?
CS: Whole of Jharkhand Chinaaa. Whole of Chattisgarh Chinaaa.
R: Whole of Chattisgarh?
CS: Yes yes yes, whole of Chattisgarh China!
R: Hold it hold it. Your going down the Eastern border claiming everything but this is Indian territory for god sake!
CS: No No, Chinii Territory, Chineeee.
R: Absolute rubbish sir. How dare you say this?
CS: Continue continue, Andhra Pradesh Chinaaaa.
R: Whole of Andhra Pradesh as well?
CS: No No No, only halff.
R: What do you mean half?
CS: Telangana you keep you keep. We no want Telangana.
Facebook suffered a major outage this week and all facebook users in all parts of the world suffered and could not update status’ and pics. Now what does this have to do with India? Shortly after the outage happened, the World Bank raised growth forecasts for India to higher than 10% and said that India could overtake China in the growth for the year.
Thank you for reading. This was a satire of the real events that took place this week.