The Week that Wasnt- The Weekly Satire

Think about this:

The United States has shut down, European Markets fell for a second straight day on Thursday, Greece has been the epicentre of the Eurozone Debt crisis and is in its 6th year of recession. In Spain, 1.5% of the country’s population have left the country for good, millions of Syrian people have left Syria as refugees of the ongoing civil war, the US has blocked military aid to Egypt, India’s PM has been missing in action. This week had it all… everything one could ever think of. But there is one good news.. for one minute this week… just one minute-sixty seconds flat, Pakistan was the most balanced country in the world! (clapping) This Tuesday, 10:30 IST.

It was Mahatma Gandhi’s birth anniversary week and what a week it turned out to be! First Rahul Gandhi calls the oridinance nonsense and the cabinet just withdraws the bill! Then Lalu Prasad Yadav is found guilty in the fodder scam and is actually thrown into jail. To add to this, the PM visits the US and it is shutdown and he also meets his Pakistani counterpart, Nawaz Sharif, who allegedly calls him “Dehati Aurat”! Can you believe it? All of this in one week!  But to most of the Indians, something entirely different happened this week.. Can you guess what was that? Ranbir Kapoor released a new film!

Lets go the top story, or also known as story ka upar (LOL just kidding), Lalu Prasad Yadav (former Rail Minister of India, ex Chief Minister of Bihar and also English Teacher in the Parliament) was sentenced to 5 years in prison for looting millions of rupees of Indians in the fodder scam.  When the RJD was asked about this sentence, Lalu’s son allegedly said, and i quote allegedly, “In Bihar, a five year sentence means he will be out by the weekend-Monday early morning 8ish”. Going back to the fodder scam, the amount was a legendary, whopping, massive- uh 37.47 crores only (check other scams). If you tell the CBI today to investigate a scam worth 37 crores, they will laugh and spit in your face! It is 5 sq feet in Bombay, where sadly I live. But on a serious note, the most pressing issue facing the country today is, who will play Lalu in Prakash Jha’s next film? I’m told its Arjun Rampal! Joining us now from Birsa Munda Central Jail in Ranchi is Aloo Pursad Yadav, the spokesperson for Lalu Yadav (sheer co-incidence):

Reporter: Aloo Ji,

Aloo Prasad: Suniye humari baat, I am naat guilty!

Reporter: Naat guilty? Haha yeah yeah. But the courts have convicted you sir.

Aloo Prasad: Hatoo, humne kaha na, I ‘eam’ ‘naat’ guilty!

Reporter: But that doesnt make any sense.

Aloo Prasad: Booorrrr… I have naat slept all night, phor 30 hours phool cause of Khatmal!

Reporter: Oh, Im sorry about that, but after all you are in Jail and what else do you expect in a Jail really?

Aloo Prasad: You caal this Jail? Agar hum Bihar mein hote toh Jail would have been ‘batter’!

Reporter: Haha surely ‘batter’. But how?

Aloo Prasad: We have batter phacility, we have batter jail, our room has faaannnn….

Reporter: All the cells have fans?

Aloo Prasad: Haan, Humne Bihar mein itna accha kaam kiya hai ki jab hum jailer ko ask karte hai ki phan chahiye, tab burbak jailer kehta hai Patna chale jaiye! Vahi aapka akhri phan hai.

Reporter: Matlab?

Aloo Prasad: Raabdi devi! My phiphe!

Reporter: Your wife! Wife! Its pronounced as wai-ph! Ugh! She must be sad the poor thing though.

Aloo Prasad: Dukhi! Bhery Dukhi! 9 children… kaun sambhalega unko?

Reporter: I can completely understand that. But Lalu Ji, I want to add one thing here… Why did you produce 9 children?

Aloo Prasad: Dekho, Iska Jimmedar ‘Kaangress’ hai!

Reporter : What are you saying?

Aloo Prasad: Haan, dekho! Tab ham vipaksh mein the. Toh ‘Kaangress’ ka har policy ka virodh karna tha. Toh family planning ka bhi virodh kiya!

Reporter: Oh, what an answer! To oppose them, you produced and produced and produced and… we are suffering till today!

Aloo Prasad: Bhaiya, bade bade ‘phamily’ hone ka bhi fayda hai.

Reporter: Ok, lets hear it!

Aloo Prasad: Phayda yah hai ki kabhi kabhi hum ghar se hi election jeet jate hai (giggles)

Reporter: Oh right right, lets get back to our main point. 45 people were convicted in the scam including former CM Jagarnath Mishra. But what about Bihar? How will Bihar be without Lalu Prasad?

Aloo Prasad: Uska aisa hai, vahan mehengai hoyegi, mehenga toh hai hi, par aaj se aloo bhi nahi rahega.Dekho, naya slogan nikla hai. “Jab raha hi nahi Bihar me Laalu… Toh kaise rahega samose me aloo”!

Reporter: Joker, poet, he is an all rounder! Aloo Ji, aloo ji, 5 years in jail is a lot for some one who is 67 years old. So who are you going to miss the most?

Aloo Prasad: Sabse zyada toh I ‘bhill’ miss my ‘close phamily’. Raabdi devi, Tejaswi, Tejaswi ke do bhai, aur unke saath behne.

Reporter: I see, I see.

Aloo Prasad: Par humare bacche, Rambha, Urvasi, Sulakshmi, Devrani, Mandagini, Padagni.

Reporter: How many kids do you have?

Aloo Prasad: Bhak burbak, Only 9!

Reporter: But you named so many others? Who are these?

Aloo Prasad: Burrrr burbak. My bupphalows!

Reporter: Your ‘bupphalows’? Thank you aloo ji, thank you!

Aloo Ji: Thank you thank you. From the bhattom of my heart, and also phram my bhaiphe’s bhattom!

Reporter: Sir, please dont ever speak in English again!

Moving ahead, there was a jingoistic row last week. There were reports that Nawaz Sharif, his name is Sharif, had referred to Manmohan Singh as Dehati Aurat! Indians were outraged by this… absolutely outraged. Because we are the only ones allowed to insult our honorable Prime Minister! Nawaz Sharif has denied these allegations, and we must believe him, must! After all, we have Pakistan’s word for it! However we can draw many similarities between Manmohan Singh and a dehati aurat! Both of them are oppressed and neither of them can fix the economy! Speaking of economy, US gov. shuts down. Yes! Monuments close, offices fell silent and 800000 public servants were told to stay at home on Tuesday as the US Gov. locked down for the first time in 17 years. In related news, the Indian Gov. worked for the first time in 17 years… by mistake! This all happened because the budget was not passed by 1st October and thus monuments shut down, offices were closed and nearly 800000 public servants were put on an unpaid leave. In short, it seemed like Mamata Baneerjee is running the government. BJP made a statement on the US shutdown. Any guesses what they said? Yes, they blamed the UPA! But that is not all. They offered a solution to Barack Obama and the US-Narendra Modi! Typically Indian, anything to get a visa! Manmohan Singh also offered a solution. He said, ” We will help you. Just outsource your government to India.”

In other news, Rahul has the final say as Cabinet junks bill shielding convicted MPs and MLAs and also withdraws ordinance. After much chaos and drama, the bill was finally withdrawn. But it could only be withdrawn after this long process because… someone had to make baba look good. Too boost his image, baba has to say obvious things like “Criminals should not be in office” What next? Baba will get a nobel prize for saying : 1+1 is 2! That is a bit mean! Haha, sorry Baba! There was supposedly a bit of friction between Rahul Baba and Dr. Manmohan Singh last week after Baba said that he will not undermine the PMO! Thats what Manmohan Singh is for! Why should Baba do anything? Now we have the spokesperson for the Congress, Rahul Gandolfini!

Reporter: Mr Gandolfini, welcome to the show.

RG: I will tell you what my view is, it is complete nonsense okay. It should be torn up and thrown away!

Reporter: It has already been torn

RG: Complete Nonsense, thats my opinion huh, personal opinion!

Reporter: That is okay, but what is your opinion on the corruption in the Congress and the UPA?

RG: You tell me, why is there so much of corruption?

Reporter: You tell me?!

RG: No, you tell me! What is your opinion?

Reporter: I dont know!

RG: In my opinion, it is complete nonsense okay! Complete nonsense!

Reporter: Nonsense that there is corruption in the Congress? Or Nonsense that there is no corruption?

RG: Wait, I will repeat it for you.

Reporter: Nonononono… wait wait.. we get it.

RG: Did you get my opinion, my personal opinion?

Reporter: Yaaa. Yaa. I want to talk about corruption Mr. Gandolfini.

RG: Mummy has said, I should not talk about anything. So i dont want to talk about corruption! And I am categorically saying, I have nothing to do with corruption!

Reporter: But what about the corruption in the Congress?

RG: You are not getting me! There is no place for corrupt people in the Congress!

Reporter: Do you know what you are saying sir? You are making a very strong statement!

RG: Yes, I am saying this, and listen to me, I am saying this ‘categorically’ there is no place for corrupt people in the Congress Party.

Reporter: How come Sir?

RG: there is no more place. We are already full of them. there is no vacancy.

Reporter: Ohhhhh. So thats what you meant! All right, thank you, thank you!

RG: And remember, that was my personal opinion…

Reporter: Which was?

RG: Complete nonsense!

Lets end with a comparison between Gandhi Ji’s golden words and their modified versions today.

Golden Words: First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win!

Modern : First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then they call you Dehati Aurat!

Golden Words: An Eye for an Eye will make the world blind!

Modern : An eye for an eye is absolutely fine if you are contending for the PM

About the Author:

This country deserves change more than ever before as we lie on the doorstep of being an economic and strategic superpower. As the youth becomes more active in politics, it has become increasingly necessary for youth voices to air their opinions. My blog presents one such voice. Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/tanay Twitter Username : @tanay2110 Email: tanay.chothani@gmail.com

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