After the BCCI’s decision to suspend Lalit Modi, for some reason L.K Advani started celebrating. Err.. Wrong Modi, I think the wrong Modi. Lets look at the other top stories of this past week.
Manmohan Singh goes to the US, and sadly, he will also come back. Dr. Manmohan Singh is in US for key meetings this week, one of which is meeting President Barack Obama. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh held a press conference in Washington. Lets bring to you some excerpts of the press conference:
(Dr. Manmohan Singh appears coming towards the “President of America’s dias; photographers clicking pictures)
Reporter: Sir, you were to finalise defence purchases worth 5 billion USD with the US.
MMS: Yes, but I have some bad news. The US has run out of money.
Reporter: Run out of money?
MMS: Yes, Pakistan was given 5 Billion Dollars aid. Their daily quota.
Reporter 2: Sir…Sir…Sir, you are going to meet Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif this Sunday… How are you going to deal with him?
MMS: Oh, it is better than dealing with the BJP… Theek hai… Ho jayega.
Reporter 3: Sir, it is reported that Miss America will join you in some time now. What do you have to say on that?
MMS: Oh I’m a little bit nervous.
Reporter: Why sir?
MMS: I am not used to dealing with Miss America, I am used to dealing with Miss Italy.
(Miss America comes in Press Conference)
Miss America: I am so glad to meet you… I have always wanted to meet a big Indian celebrity like you. Your acting in Bhaag Milkha Bhaag was fantabulous. The expression was mind blowing and your six pack. (To Reporters) Is he real? (Manmohan Singh sighs) Oh he spoke. That means he is real.
MMS: Thank you ji, thank you.
Being Political Analyst: What? Great in Bhaag Milkha Bhaag? Dont you know? MIlkha Singh is only 81 years old. Don’t confuse the 2.
Government clears ordinance to shield convicted MPs and MLAs. The Union Cabinet cleared an ordinance on Tuesday to allow convicted MPs and MLAs to contest elections. This was against the verdict of the Supreme Court which had not only disqualified lawmakers convicted of offences but also barred them from contesting elections. It makes sense. If you expect convicted lawmakers to stay in jail, who will run the Parliament? The chairs and tables? Probably more effective than the UPA though.
As per the ordinance, if their appeals are pending then MPs can still sit in Parliament but will be unable to draw salaries… So sad…. They will have to survive on the few hundred crores that got them convicted in the first place. What does this mean for us lay people?
Think about this. A man is innocent until proven guilty… but a MP is even more innocent after being proven guilty. So what is the solution? 545 seats arent enough in the Lok Sabha… but there is good news for UP. Almost everyone in UP is eligible to be a MP. Joining us now are two jailed persons in their natural surroundings.
(A small thief is massaging a MP’s leg)
MP: Thoda upar, thoda upa. Ok, so tell me, why are you inside this jail?
Thief: Sir, I did nothing much. I was hungry, stole a piece of bread. Policemen caught me and put me in prison.
MP: Very bad, very bad.
Thief: Toh sirji, aap MP ho na?
MP: Of course, of course!
Thief: What did you do?
MP: Nothing much man. 3, no 4 murders.. 9, uh no, I think 11 rapes… 4000 crore bribery case and the rest when I remember I will tell you.
MP: How many years have you been sentenced to?
Thief: 20 years. And you?
MP: Life time. But February, March, April, May, I will be in Delhi for the Budget Session. Then in June and July I will be in my constituency. In August, September we have the Monsoon Session, so again Delhi. October to Mid November, diwali dashera hota hai… I will go back to my constituency then. Phir, November to December Winter Session.
Thief: Aur January?
MP: What do I tell you! In Jan, every year I take my family and go to London.
Thief: Saab, we also want to be a MP. Make us also a MP.
MP: Then you will have to stop this robbery and crime.
Thief: From today, I will not do any crimes sir.
MP: No, No. Not that way. Stop doing small crimes! Do Big Big crimes! MP ban jaoge. Aur upar dabao. Acche se.
Being Political Analyst: Oh My god. Lets go to our correspondent in Delhi who has some surprise for us.
Being Political Correspondent: Last few weeks have been the most productive sessions for Parliament in debating. Many historic bills like Food Security Bill and Land Acquisition Bill were passed. We are getting an exclusive video clipping of what is really happening in Parliament. Lets show you that straight away.
(Video clipping starts)
Meera Kumar: Beth jaiye, beth jaiye. Please sit down. We shall now put the motion to vote in the House. Those in favour may say ay.
Bored MPs: Ayeeeeee.
Meera Kumar: Those against may say no…
Same Bored MPs: NOooooo
Meera Kumar: I think the no’s have it… the no’s have it. Now MOs. The following Bills are pending and need immediate attention.
Same Bored MPs: Yesssssss….
Meera Kumar: Let us start with the Judicial Appointments Commission Bill, 2003.
Same Bored MPs:’Letter’…’Letter’…Later…Not now!
Meera Kumar: Judicial standards and accountability Bill.
Same Bored MPs: Next Session….Next Session…’Letter’
Meera Kumar: The Lokpal Bill.
Same Bored MPs: ‘Letter’…’Letter’… (Making crosses with their hands)
Meera Kumar: Womans Reservation Bil
Same Bored MPs: next…next…next..
(Now the Bored MPs take out phone and watch something on the phone and give wide smiles and smirks)
Meera Kumar:The Infrastructure Action Bill
Bored MPs (who were not paying attention): Kya boli? For what? For what? For what? We no need.
Meera Kumar: What about Prevention of Corruption Bill 2003?
Bored MPs: It is wasting Parliament time on some things that do not exist! Corruption is a State matter… There is no need for such a Bill!
Meera Kumar: Beth jaiye…Beth jaiyee. Please sit down…Please sit down.
One Bored MP suddenly stands up.
Bored MP:Madam all those bills are rubbish. The most important bill needs to be introduced. The People’s Representation Act (2nd Amendment), so that convicted MPs who are criminals can be protected and cannot be disqualified.
Other Similar MPs: Yes, Yes Yes!
Meera Kumar: The House has already rejected the bill.
Same Bored MPs: Ayeeeeeeeee…
Meera Kumar: Please sit down… please sit down.
Bored MP1: Gopal Ji, I am going to prison. Are you also coming?
Bored MP2: Dont worry, we have another weapon left! A very big weapon.
Bored MP1: Big screwdriver?
Bored MP1: Ordinance!!!!!
RG: Complete Nonsense!
In funnier news (if this wasnt funny enough) a running game based on Modi -NaMo run has been released on the playstore. In the game, Modi is seen running through different states collecting votes. So now we know one big thing… This is the only way Modi will be seen in Bihar! In another parallel game, we see Rahul Gandhi running through different states eating in poor people’s houses. And as soon as it reaches Uttar Pradesh, the Game miraculously crashes. That reminds me, a few weeks ago, RG had said that if India is a computer, Congress is the default operating system. What a wonder! It is the first time that a group of viruses has been described as an operating system. Even LK Advani has his own game…. Er… Temple Run (Smirk)!
Thank you for reading.
This was a satire of the weekly events that took place related to politics in India